Catheism

To know Catheism is to know Felix, and if you knew Felix you would loathe him. That is not to say Felix is neither feared nor worshipped—everything a Cathic does is to appease Felix—but He is universally despised.

Felix, the one true God, created the Earth and everything upon it for reasons known only to His Feline self. The sacred text describes the days before existence as the "Felix Yarn Phase". Once His Royal Catship grew weary of his ball of twine, He batted it into the sky and made the Earth. The following day he vomited the life on to it. Ever since then his watchful eye adorns the evening sky as a bright white circle examining His creation—disappearing only once a month so that he may take "The Supreme Nap".

The official holders of the sacred text, The Cardinal Prey, spend untold hours of the night studying Felix's eye attempting to discern His level of contempt. They hope that in doing so they might discover new and better ways to appease their God and thus delay The Great Pouncing. The result of these studies are an ever increasing number of intricate Felix-quelling rituals that practicing cathics are required to perform. To date there are 729 actions, chants, and gestures all members are mandated to do starting at moonrise and ending at moonset—with the chicken dance in bird costumes currently being seriously considered for spot 730 (due to the Magnificent Feline's apparent affection for it).

Once a ritual is adopted, it will never be removed for fear of that one being the one that halts the Contemptuous Cat God from attacking and destroying civilization. Subsequently, pleasing Felix has become a more and more cumbersome chore as time goes on, leading the followers to garner further resentment towards Him. Most adherent cathics no longer put forth any hint of sincerity in their nightly worship. The Cardinal Prey has decreed that this insincerity is perfectly acceptable as Felix the Great is appeased by the action and not the intent.

This disingenuousness has bled into other aspects of a cathic's life: often when indoors they will be found greeting each other with the phrase "May Felix choke on a furball" or a similar beratement of their God. When angry at another cathic they will also "damn them to hell" by declaring, "Felix pounce on you!" Additionally, a cathic may compliment someone by stating "may Felix show little contempt for you," or "Felix has minimal scorn for you".

All the resentment towards Felix culminates up to the monthly "Fuck Felix Fest" held during "The Supreme Nap Time". The lunar calendar used by cathics automatically highlights this event, but they never discuss or advertise it any other time lest Felix somehow find out about it. The celebration is large—it makes Mardi Gras look like an adolescent's birthday clown—and permits a large amount of indiscretion. As the saying goes, "what happens at 'Fuck Felix Fest' stays at 'Fuck Felix Fest'".