Just A Rock

Just A Rock is, according to the manufacturer, "quite simply a rock picked up off the ground and put in a glossy plastic-blister package—it's not even wiped off first." The purpose, says the product label, is "to sit there. Really, they're not good for anything else." And Just A Rock did what it was supposed to do fantastically; that is, it did nothing spectacularly well. So well did it accomplish its stated function, that the item continues with such popularity that it remains the leading and sole product of the manufacturer: The Gouge Corporation.

Founded whimsically and named suggestively, the Gouge Corporation originated when K. Samuel Vact—frustrated with confidant T. J. Madison's assertion—wagered the same that the buying public was not totally brain dead; they wouldn't, for instance, purchase a rock picked off the ground. "To prove it," declared K. S. Vact, "I'll try to sell just a simple rock; the company will go bankrupt in hours."

Much to K. Samuel's dismay, Just A Rock was an instant success—despite a rather forthright commercial campaign emphasizing that the rocks the Gouge Corporation sold were nothing more than mere common stones. To highlight this fact, a special jingle was commissioned specifically for this advertising endeavor:

Just A Rock, Just A Rock,
It's nothing else but just a rock!

Of course, no consumer believed a word of it. Even when K. Samuel Vact, desperate to educate the populace about its gullibility, appeared in a 45 second advert standing in her own backyard and declaring "look around; this is my back yard. This is where I get Just A Rock. There's nothing special or mystical here; they're stones you can find anywhere. In fact, you shouldn't buy Just A Rock because it's a waste of money—you can pick up a rock from outside and it'll be just as good", no one accepted her words and the sales of Just A Rock climbed dramatically.

Soon to follow were a multitude of books detailing the magical powers of Just A Rock. The most prominent one is due to Jacques Randé, titled "Mystical Properties of Just A Rock". In this tome Mr. Randé avers

Each JAR is unique with its own aura and ethereal capacity; however, the stones can be grouped into families in which the sibling rocks share some overall general traits. For example, the grey rocks with white streaks have the ability to influence time (the white streaks are actually quartz; a crystal which has long been intimately connected with time) and so can make unpleasant moments pass more quickly while happier times linger on longer.

It is in this spirit that this book is to be read: it should act as a guide to your rock's special spiritual abilities and aid you in exploring the inner depths of your rock's particular talents.

In addition to the volumes of literature that appeared, Just A Rock's success naturally spawned what Jacques Randé dubbed "cheap imitation knockoff's". Products such as Simple Ordinary Stone (SOS), Perfectly Normal Dirt, and Lackluster Imitation Earth (LIE) flooded the marketplace. Strangely, these competitors failed to realize the success of Just A Rock; many failing literally within hours of debuting.